13 TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT TRAVELING IN SOUTHEAST ASIA

One of the best things about living in Korea is the fact that it’s actually on the continent of Asia.  There are countless exotic travel destinations just a relatively quick flight away.  Topping the list for me and many others are the countries that make up the Southeast.  I mean, what’s not to love?  They’ve got hot weather, happy people, beaches, rivers, waterfalls, cold beer, atomic cuisine and enough vice to make Las Vegas look like Salt Lake City.  At any time I can grab my backpack, jump on a plane, and shoot straight out of the Land of Scowls into the The Realm of Infinite Smiles.  I love Southeast Asia and my record proves it: I’ve been a regular visitor for eight years running and don’t plan on stopping any time soon.

However… all is not perfect in paradise. I could wax ad infinitum about how awesome the region is, but that would be no fun, and I would be doing all of us a disservice.  Southeast Asia is a traveler’s heaven, but with that comes a lot of asshats, annoyances, fuckwittery and general ballaches to make me want to burn my passport and move back to some awful place like Iowa or Everett, Washington.  Here’s a list of well-formed gripes, in no particular order of suck:

1. FIRE SHOWS

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The first couple times I saw fire shows I thought they were pretty sweet.  This was back in the 90’s in Seattle, where they were performed by my freaky friends with pierced eyebrows, face tattoos, and those silly tribal earlobe plugs.  These performances were kind of edgy, slightly dangerous, and definitely sexy.  I thought they were cool… until some years later when I went to Thailand and spent a week on a beach, where on a nightly basis, there were slightly less fire shows than grains of sand .  Cow-eyed tourists formed semi-circles around sinewy locals swinging flaming balls and oohed and ahhed like they were watching a 4th of July Fireworks display or witnessing a French nuclear test.  Awful music blared from each little spectacle, mingling together into one uber-din that was about as peaceful and relaxing as the Invasion of Normandy.

What’s even worse is that I saw some tourists trying to take up the “art form”.  I really wanted all them to set their hair aflame.  Nothing’s funnier to me than a Swede on fire.

2. HENNA TATOOS

When I was a kid I used to play army in the woods.  This was before American children were robbed of their childhood by smart phones, bike helmets, and neurotic, overprotective soccer moms.  On the way back home, after one of our epic battles, we’d stop at the little store by our houses and buy bubble gum, Near Beer, candy cigarettes (yes, they existed) and Crackerjacks.  The best thing about the Crackerjacks was the “toy surprise” found in every box.  Sometimes it was a tiny car or plastic magnifying glass–but the best one was the little tattoo that you could apply with just a bit of spit.  The cheap, water-soluble ink would stay on your arm for a day or so and seemed really awesome at the time… but then again, I was nine.

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Henna tattoos aren’t so different than ones found in a box of Crackerjacks, only they’re sported by full-grown backpacker chicks who aren’t daring enough to get real ink in their actual lives back at home.  After all, if the tramp stamp disappears within a matter of days, so will the hazy memory of countless shots of Mekong whiskey and sex with those three guys from Canada… right???

3. COCKTAIL BUCKETS

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In Thailand in particular, drinking sweetened alcoholic concoctions out of big-ass buckets is all the rage.  After all, it’s a cheap, fun way to get psychotically wasted.  It’s also the reason that 19 year-old girl from San Diego shat her pants and passed out right in the middle of the Khaosan Road, and why, after watching their rugby team beat Italy, those Welsh guys were dancing on the steps of the Buddhist temple… without any pants on.

4. SHOCKING BEGGARS

We have plenty of homeless folks and panhandlers in the West, but not even the most urine-encrusted babbling crackhead can prepare you for what you will face in Southeast Asia.  The beggars there operate on an entirely different level of gut-wrenching horror.  Many look like they just slithered out of a Heironymus Bosch painting. From groaning Vietnamese amputees,  bug-eyed Indonesian glue-sniffers, to Cambodians whose whole faces have been melted off by napalm, the beggars in Southeast Asia will freeze your blood and rip the air from your lungs.  You will throw coins their way in a panicked attempt to banish them from sight, though the images shall remain seared into your retinas for years to come. And they can really put a bummer on a backpacker’s otherwise carefree day of temple visits and snorkeling: Nothing fouls the evening’s first sip of Beer Lao more than the fresh memory of a crying man with no jaw.

5. DREADLOCKED AUSSIES

I like Australians in very low doses.  They’re a fun, slightly rowdy people and usually know how to enjoy themselves. Aussies are full of spirit, vigor, and usually good for a laugh, but slap a set of crusty dreads on one you get a Fortress of Douchitude.

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Sorry, I ain’t cosigning.

6. MUSLIMS

A lot of non-travelling types don’t realize that much of Southeast Asia is rife with Islam. Just visit the southern parts of the Philippines or Thailand, along with the whole of Malaysia and Indonesia, and you’ll see what I mean.

“Oh, but the Islam in Southeast Asia is the most tolerant kind if Islam,” people love to say.  And yeah, they’re kind of right: It isn’t like Pakistan or Saudi Arabia.  But Islam is still Islam, whether you’re in Sumatra or Peshawar.  It can only get so mellow.  In general it’s a joyless, buzzkill of a faith–a laundry list of do’s and don’ts and freedom-crushing, onerous rules that sap the fun out of everything in life.  Why anyone converted to Islam in the first place is one of the world’s great mysteries:

“Let’s see… we could keep the wine flowing, the hash burning, the titties hanging out and the all-you can-eat pork and oyster buffet going… or we could shut down the party, pour the booze in the sand, snuff out the spliff, cover up the titties, fast, and pray five times a day.  Hmmmm… Tough decision.”

Sure, they generally leave you alone, but try taking a swim on Friday afternoon in Aceh, Indonesia.  The ocean is closed for prayers!!!    And yeah, you CAN get beer, but it’s like 30 bucks a can and sold all covertly. You signal a guy and then palm him your cash and he disappears and whistles and then another guy comes from around the corner with your can.  It’s like scoring smack in The Wire.

7. MALARIA

8. SHIRTLESS DUDES IN TOWN

I don’t care how ripped your six pack is or how cut your pecs.  Unless you are on the beach, put your fucking shirt on, especially when walking through town.  It may be cool to rock it shirtless in Indiana or the Czech Republic in the heat, but you’re not in Bohemia anymore.  Despite the fact that things seem really laid-back, the people who live in Southeast Asia are generally conservative and frown upon half-naked Westerners wandering down main street.

And when you DO cover up, consider this:  Just because you’re on the “backpacker trail” doesn’t mean that your WHOLE WARDROBE must magically transform into stupid, baggy, purple and white, thin cotton hippy clothes.

9. TRAVELER ONE-UPMANSHIP

Some of the people I’ve met in Southeast Asia have been among the best that countries have to offer.  It  is pleasing to know that so many great folks hold so many different passports.  NO BORDERS, MAN!  But I’ve also come across plenty of others whose sole mission is to somehow prove that their travel experience is somehow more genuine everyone else’s–that they’re the real travelling nomad.  Whether it’s the Dane who admonishes you for paying 30 cents too much for your sunglasses or the Kiwi who informs you that he visited Cambodia in ’93 before it “sold out,” there’s always someone trying to kick you down a notch on the totem pole of backpacker status.

First prize still goes to the Swiss girl in Laos, who, when hearing that I was out for a mere 30 days, rolled her eyes and proclaimed:

“When go for just one month you are a tourist.  When you go for 9 months (points to herself), you are a traveler.”

I had to restrain myself: Every ounce of my being wanted to throw her chocolate-eating, cuckoo clock-making, Holocaust gold-hoarding ass into the Mekong and watch her float to the sea like a piece of driftwood.

10. FULL MOON PARTIES 

I’ve never been to Thailand’s Kho Phangan, but some friends head down each year and tell me that it’s gorgeous.  I’m sure it is: I’ve seen the photos to prove it.  However, once a month, the place is overrun by hordes of glow-stick twirling retards who pack the ferries in order to chow down fists full of ecstasy tablets and mushrooms for the legendary Full Moon Party.  During that time room rates triple and nary a bed can be found.  The idyllic quiet is spoiled by a never ending loop of DUP-DUP-DUP-DUP techno marching music which seeps into the collective psyche of everyone there, whether they like it or not.  The beach gets trashed and scores of amateurs end up in the hospital because they can’t handle their drugs.

I’ve been to Europe a few times and experienced the wonder of techno music and the chemicals that enhance it, but the fact that endless, computer-generated beats have become the default soundtrack of travelling makes me want to round up the DJ’s and put ’em into camps.

11. BOB MARLEY’S LEGEND

This is the only music that is played more than techno in Southeast Asia.

Legend is kind of a best-of of Marley’s storied career.  The songs are all better-known than air at this point.  I am told that children born near Bali’s Kuta Beach pass through their mother’s vagina singing “Redemption Song”.  Legend has been officially recognized as a base element.  But this is not a good thing.

Every copy of album–every CD, tape, piece of vinyl, and digital file–should be destroyed.  If I hear “No Woman No Cry” in a beach side bar one more time I will stab myself in the eye with the plastic cocktail sword.

12. VANG VIENG

Vang Vieng is a town in Laos located on a gorgeous stretch of river.  The area is undeniably some of the most beautiful on the planet–emerald water snakes through greener countryside among sheer, limestone mountains.  Perfection…

But something happened…  some years ago the young travelers arrived, and now the place has metastasized into a year long Spring Break party for the backpacker set.  Thousands of 20-somethings descend on the idyllic surroundings and get FUCKED up.  They slurp booze from buckets, gobble mushrooms, and blaze champion joints.  During the day the zombified youngsters lie on pillows in TV restaurants where they munch on banana pancakes and watch reruns of “The Family Guy” and “Friends” on endless repeat.  Or better yet, they float on inner tubes down the river, sloshed on Beer Lao and skied out of their gourds on opium, while locals wade around picking out river weeds for their family dinners that night.

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How do I know?  I’ve done it (the tubing, not the TV restaurant for God’s sake).  Was if fun?  Hell yes.  Was it also sad and totally obscene?  Uhm… yeah… it was.

13. GIRLFRIENDS, WIVES, AND FIANCES

Disneyland calls itself “The Happiest Place on Earth”, which is a load of horseshit to any red-blooded man who has been to Bangkok.  While I in no way endorse many of the dishes on the buffet in this particular Southeast Asian capital, it’s impossible to dismiss the temptation this poses for some of the city’s visitors.  This is especially true for groups of single men passing through on their travels.  The joys of the town are many-splendored and sometimes just too good to pass up.

That said, it’s an awful place to drag your girl to.  I brought my Korean fiance to Bangkok last summer.  It was her first time to Southeast Asia.  We got into town at 2 am and I booked a hotel on Sukhumvit Road, near Soi Nana, which is ground zero for all of the Sodom and Gomorrah that the town has to offer.  We sat at an outside table where I sipped cold Chang beer, while she ate from a plate of shrimp pad thai. An elephant lumbered down the street; several bloated, old white men walked hand-in-hand with scandalously young girls.  A couple of ladyboys got into a knife fight.  Finally, my fiance turned to me and said:

“Why have you been here seven times before?”

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37 thoughts on “13 TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT TRAVELING IN SOUTHEAST ASIA

  1. 14. There are always moments during each trip when you stop and think to yourself… man.. I could have just died there.

  2. Seriously, I almost died laughing. Thanks for the humor! I especially enjoyed #6 – Try going to Egypt during Ramadan – about the same.

  3. Seriously, I almost died laughing! Thanks for the humor. I especially enjoyed #6 – It reminded me of the time I went to Egypt during Ramadan!

  4. Shooting fish in a barrel Showbiz. Heres a few more…

    = Everything and everyone in Viet Nam.

    = People who spend a week or two flying from country to country just to collect the visas.

    = Chinese and Korean tour groups at Angkor.

    = Nobheads sitting with their feet in fish tanks.

    = Ethical cafes with shit munch and free wifi that are always full of whoppers with credlocks.

    and so on…

    1. David, did you read the recent piece in the IHT? Almost all the wild elephants in Vietnam are gone, thanks to the China-funded ivory trade, and “unscrupulous” human beings (read, hungry) wishing to profit from that trade.

  5. @Scousie: Yeah yeah, low lying fruit. But it’s fun to list ’em. I like your addendum, especially the Chinese and Korean groups at Angkor. They’ve fucking ruined the place.

  6. we did full moon party, was pretty amazing but once is enough I would say. the most exciting thing was that we get a private charter by speed boat from company called Safari Boat, they pick us up from Samui as well as bring us back. the ride was smooth, fast and great experience. the day after we did angthong marine park with them, which is highly recommended and beautiful land mark.

  7. Chris, if it weren’t for Muslims, every small town with a nice backdrop and lots of mushrooms and opium would be a Vang Vieng. And that water don’t look so crystal clear to me.

    I like your analysis, especially about korean political parties. Did you know that the main politico of the opposition hanaradang, Han Myung Sook, loves to bash America. And guess what. Her kids study English in America. But don’t expect them to come away from the experience any richer. They will learn English, and return to Korea as Korean as ever.

    Keep up the good work. I’ll look for your book.

    P.S. The last (and probably only) time I went to Kaosan Road all I found were a bunch of drunken Frenchmen.

  8. I can’t argue with you in there. Those are really true nasty stuffs about Southeast Asian countries. However they’re still cool.

  9. Did anyone see the recent news report on Deutsche Welle TV? It was an expose on Vang Vieng, Laos, and how the party hardy crowd is causing the locals more than a migraine.

    If you are not familiar with Deutsche Welle TV, it’s broadcast from Brussels and Berlin, and is a nice antidote to the wholly American-owned CNN.

  10. I do agree on most of the above. but one in particular: travellers vs tourists. In Vietnam I met a tourist who came from Laos and was very annoyed with the vendors that accompanied him on his lovely walk in the hills. Instead of enjoying their company and trying to start a conversation (witch is a good idea because they won’t leave you until the end of your walk anyway) he constantly shouted: “Go away, I’m not a tourist I’m a photographer!!!” haha…

  11. Well at least your Korean girl would have fit in; everyone would have thought you were just another John with his bar fine for the night. Imagine bringing a white girl.

  12. i don’t agree with #6. if you don’t like muslims, please choose another non-islamic countries as your vacation place. shame on you, you went to islamic countries and you wrote something bad about islam on your blog. when you went to malaysia, indonesia, did someone attached a bomb in your backpack or nasi lemak.? no right.. so think again before you write something about this religion.

    1. I totally agree with you here asianmuslimguy, if you have to respect for the culture and religion you should not visit that country! Claiming that Buddhists and Christians do not kill people is total bullshit, get your facts straight.

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  14. i speed looked at what you wrote,,, liked it ,, have thought the same things in many ways… either you see it or you don´t … other replys before me will never see …. Got that feeling … keep it up and take care!

  15. muslims are the majority in my country and i’ve never heard of them trying to bomb a club or something just because they “do not” party. And for me the bombing things are more like “where do you come from” / “your race” thing not religion.

    i also know some muslims who will go to parties and drink all the time and there are also christians and buddhists who are sober(just like you claim how muslim cant drink).

    muslims choose to be muslim and they arent complaining about the things they cant do because there are reasons behind it.

    not everyone needs to drink to have fun.
    not everyone needs to show their skin to be sexy.
    muslims have their fashion style too and its a loss that while you were in those countries you didnt notice of the beautiful things they have.

    since you have a chance to travel and meet different kind of people i was expecting you to have an open mind but you clearly didnt.

    im a fan of your blog. a silent reader actually. i hope i will not see this kind of post in the future.

  16. You’re so racist!
    I don’t get it how could you define yourself as traveler when you can’t tolerate people. Travel is when you go to some other places and get to experience something new other than your daily life! You went to muslim countries and jokes around (or maybe not?) by writing bad things about it? Not cool man.
    Why did you travel at first? To judge people? To be the “best” among others? Come on, I bet you remember what happened to Hitler last time.
    Christians, Buddhist, or any other religions, even Atheists also got some records of bombing places! It’s NOT about religion, it’s all about people’s minds.
    Someone like you don’t belong to be a traveler. And even to write things about it. I thought you should’ve inspire people.. but I was wrong.
    I read your blogs all the time and I am SO dissapointed with this one.

    1. How am I racist? I just happen to think that the Muslim religion is a massive buzzkill. Pretty simple.

      And for your information, and a few of the other “offended” plunkers commenting here: this is a humor piece. Don’t take it so seriously. I’m having a laugh. Too bad you’re too thick to get it. Not my problem.

  17. Great post, planning my first trip through SE Asia now at the tender age of 30 and stuff like this is really useful and funny to read, Ignore the negative comments. I’ve Dumped my GF, quit my job, scraped together 10K and first stop Bangkok. Love travelling and love the, Buddist Christian Jewish religions and atheists too…..hate “that religion” though. Fuck you Muslims. Stop spoiling our fun and ruining the world.

  18. Excellent post. haha I agree with all of this. Been to south east Asia three times, and this is all true. Great post

  19. what weird me the most is the amount of dumbass caucasians or whiteys than comes to south east asia get raped or killed and blame us. obviously its a dangerous place before you long nosed honkies came here.. so? good luck raising that heinous asian sperm in your belly or mourn your friends death cuz their in hell.

    point? don’t come here unless you’re ready to lose your life. in more than 1 way.

  20. Jesus Christ what an utter cunt you are. I was quite enjoying the read, and many of your points were pretty amusing. But how can you seriously be so shallow and self-centred as to claim horrifying beggars ruin your nice time in the sun? Cambodians, particularly anyone older than 40/50 have been through hell. Another younger generation exists that are being scarred by what came before (landmines, orphaned etc.) Perhaps when you see a Napalm scarred Vietnamese person you should consider your own country’s appalling foreign policy and disgusting fighting tactics.

    Then I read a little more of your stuff and saw your a white American, living in Korea. Whilst your more than willing to pass horrendously shallow judgments on a variety of races, you don’t recognise your probably in a relationship on which the founding principle is your whiteness. I did the same a few years ago, but left Korea as I was sick to death of ignorant, self centred, loud, obnoxious Americans like yourself

    Shut your damn racist mouth

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